Love, Cyrus
by britnimiles
Summary: "Cy, have you seen the new post on JeffersonScandals?" Buffy asks excitedly, her face lighting up my screen. "No, why?" I say, not bothering to look up from my homework. "I swear if you tell me about another slimy hookup, I'm hanging up on you." "About the closeted gay kid at school." She says rolling her eyes. I bolt upright in my bed. "What?"
1. Chapter 1

It's a normal night in, filled with history homework and the usual distraction of social media. A night like many others, I don't except my life to shift so quickly after one FaceTime with Buffy.

"Cy, have you seen the new post on JeffersonScandals?" Buffy asks excitedly, her face lighting up my screen.

"No, why?" I say, not bothering to look up from my homework. "I swear if you tell me about another slimy hookup, I'm hanging up on you."

"About the closeted gay kid at school." She says rolling her eyes.

I bolt upright in my bed. "What?"

"Who do you think it is?" she asks as I rush to my desk and open my laptop to the school's Tumblr. "I bet it's Andrew Miller. I get this vibe from him. I don't know. He screams gay panic to me."

"I... I gotta go. Kovu just knocked over the lamp into my bookcase." I say in a hurry.

"Aww, poor kitty! So curious." Buffy squeals.

"Can I call you back later?" I hang up before she can answer. I scroll down to a picture of a swing set with the sun setting in the background.

 _"_ _Sometimes I feel like I'm stuck on set of swings. One minute I'm flying through the air towards the sun the next gravity plummets me back towards the ground. Again and again, every day. Most of my life is pretty great, except no one knows I'm gay. I guess I have stuff._

 _-Lemon Boy"_

This post throws me into a frenzy. My heart is hammering in my chest. I have to know him. It's like he took the words right out of my head. I quickly open a tab to create a new email address. I stare at the open page struggling with what to write. How exactly do you talk to a stranger over the internet without coming across as a creepy serial killer? I run a hand through my hair and blow out a breath. Keep it simple, Cyrus. Don't be weird, don't be weird. You got this.

FROM: inaveilfullofsurprises

TO: lemonboy918 

DATE: Aug 19 at 7:31 PM

SUBJECT: Hi

Dear Lemon Boy,

I just read your post on JeffersonScandals. I'm just like you. My life is perfectly normal. My parents are child psychologists. And, no, they don't "shrink" me. They're actually pretty cool about letting me come to them at my own pace about things _._ And my friends, well two of them I've known my whole life. Or at least since second grade. One of them I just met a few years ago, but it feels like I've known him forever. We do the normal friend thing. We veg out on baby taters, watch a little too much tv, and hang out at the Red Rooster shuffling through music and dreaming of college. So, like I said everything is normal, right? But nobody knows about this part of my _stuff_. This HUGE part. It's just like you said about the swings. I'd like to add that sometimes it feels like when someone gives you an underdog. Some moments are so perfect that when I realize no one knows it feels like everything is out of my control and the earth is going to swallow me whole when gravity takes me.

I can't think of a name to sign this with so I'm just going to leave it here. I hope to hear from you.

.

I wake up the next morning after a sum total of five minutes of sleep. I couldn't stop freaking out after hitting send. I've reread my email over and over. I hope it's not weird, but after the fifth time I regretted it. I should have proofread the heck out of it first instead of impulsively sending it. I should have come up with a freaking name at least. Then, of course, I worried about him not writing me back. Or it somehow getting out that I wrote it and the whole world finding out.

I check for a response as I'm getting ready. Nothing from Lemon Boy, just a _Welcome to Gmail_ message. I shrug on my backpack and hurry down the stairs to the kitchen. Dad is sitting at the breakfast table with his kindle and a cup of coffee. I put my bag on the back of a chair. "Morning." He says not looking up from the paper open on his tablet.

"Morning, Dad." I say, walking to the fridge for some orange juice.

"Want a waffle?" Mom asks, waving a box of _Van's_ kosher toaster waffles in my direction.

"Sure, but I have to take it on the run. I'm late to pick up the Good Hair Crew." I check my watch. I have roughly four minutes left at the house.

Mom pops one in as I sip on my juice. "Don't be too late tonight. The Franklins are coming over for dinner and a game of charades."

"I'll try my best. Jonah asked me to come over after callbacks today to help him with our science project." Complete lie. Jonah and I don't even have the same science class. I just really need an excuse to get out of the monthly ordeal. The Franklins have a daughter my age that my parents have subtly been trying to set me up with since I was fifteen.

"I'm sure Jonah will understand, son." Dad replies.

I grab the freshly popped waffle. I take a big bite, "Sure. I'm gonna be late.". I practically run to my car.

Pulling into Jonah's drive way first, I park just long enough for him to get in the back and buckle up. "Dude, I had the weirdest dream last night."

"You're always having weird dreams. You forget I'm not an actual psychiatrist. I can't decode them for you." I laugh as I drive down the road and into Buffy's driveway.

"Hey!" Buffy greets as she slings herself into the seat beside me. "You never called me back last night."

"Yeah, sorry about that. It was weird night." I mutter, driving towards Andi's apartment.

"Yo, but my dream! We have to talk about this!" Jonah hollers from the back seat.

"Another dream? What was this one about? Hmm? Was it that nightmare about the Olsen twins again?" Buffy laughs, scrolling through her feed.

"Ugh, don't remind me of that! They were freaking VAMPIRES! I was scarred for life after that." Jonah shudders.

We pull into the parking lot of the apartment complex. I honk the horn twice. Andi runs out the door. Half way to my car, she pats herself. She holds up a finger and jogs back up the steps to her house. Bex opens the door grinning. She tosses Andi her phone then waves at us.

"Sorry, guys! It's been a crazy morning. I'm so glad you guys were late. Bowie tried to 'fix' the plumbing last night without warning us. Suffice to say, no one got a shower today." She giggles out of breath.

"No problem, Andiman, you still smell good to me." Jonah grins toward her. Buffy huffs beside me. "Anyways, back to my dream. It started out all normal. Like I was getting ready for school and stuff. I put in my contacts only I think I put them in wrong or something. Everything was a blur. I couldn't see anything. I tried to take them out, but I couldn't. Then I woke up. I feel like maybe my subconscious is trying to tell me I'm not seeing something."

"What could you not be seeing?" Buffy asks, looking back at him.

"I don't know if you've noticed, but I'm kind of oblivious. It could an endless list of things." Jonah sighs.

"Huh, weird. I don't think it means anything." I blurt out and turn the music up. The rest of the ride is filled with stories and laughter. But I can't seem to participate. My mind is whirling with the idea of my secret being what he can't see.

The first half of the day goes by in a haze of useless information and constantly checking my phone. At lunch we sit at our designated table. Jonah, Andi, and I on one side facing Buffy and her basketball friends Marty and TJ. Occasionally, TJ's sister Amber joins us, but this is pretty much the core group. I'm checking my phone for an email from Lemon Boy yet again.

"Cyrus. Cy. Cyrus." TJ waves gently from his half of the table grabbing my attention. "Fries?"

"Oh, yeah. Go ahead." I mutter. He gives a small smile as he grabs a few of my fries. "This place has like no service." I groan.

The GHC give me a look that I ignore as get up. I'm going to find service if it kills me. I'm walking aimlessly through the hallways hitting refresh again.

"Cyrus, Cyrus. I'll take that." Dr. Metcalf says as he pulls my phone from my hands. "You know better than to have this out during school hours. You can have it back after the second half _Peter Pan_ callbacks."

"Dr. Metcalf, please. I was just trying to get ahold of my mom." I blush as I lie.

"Well, your mom isn't going anywhere. You know where to get this later." He says and walks off towards his office.

 _Crap._

Callbacks were fine. I got the priced role of Lost Boy # 3. Which means no lines whatsoever. Andi walked away with the role of Tiger Lily. Amber, of course, got the staring role of Wendy. Ms. Speight is great. She has a take no crap attitude and a sense of humor. I figure this will be the least painful extracurricular I could ask for. Plus, Andi will be there.

After getting another lecture about phone usage on the school premises, I finally had my 'precious' back. I rush back to my car. Opening the Gmail app, I see a new message.

FROM: lemonboy918  
TO: inaveilfullofsurprises  
DATE: Aug 20 at 4:35  
SUBJECT: RE: Hi

Dear Underdog…


	2. Chapter 2

FROM: lemonboy918

TO: inaveilfullofsurprises

DATE: Aug 20 at 4:35 PM

SUBJECT: RE: Hi

Dear Underdog,

Stuff, huh? Assuming, your stuff is the same as mine, when did you figure it out? I'm guessing not a soul knows about this piece. That's how it is for me. Also, I liked what you said about the underdog. I hope it's cool that I used it as your nickname.

Lemon Boy

.

FROM: inaveilfullofsurprises

TO: lemonboy918

DATE: Aug 20 at 5:32 PM

SUBJECT: When did you know

No, Lemon Boy, I haven't told anyone. I don't even have a reason why. I know my parents will be fine with it. They've had a few cases with gay kids that I've been able to pick up on. I know they'd understand. Jefferson's only other gay kid seems to be doing just fine. When Gus came out, no one even cared.

As for when I figured it out, well it was a few things… Like this dream I had about one my guy friends when we were in middle school. Hanging out with him was a little difficult once I realized I had a crush on him. He's a touchy-feely kind of guy. And being obsessed with P!ATD for more than just the music is another example.

Then there was my first girlfriend. She was cool, don't get me wrong. We had a lot in common. After she kissed me the first time, I pretended I was fine. But one night we were watching a documentary, I freaked out when she wanted to kiss again. I pretty much ran screaming from her house. Not my proudest moment.

How about you? How did you know?

Underdog

.

Plugging in my phone to blare Tegan & Sara, I pull out of the school parking lot to head home. I can't stop smiling. Underdog—simple and cute. Why didn't I come up with that? It feels like the obvious choice now. I shouldn't have over thought it so much. Anything other than Cyrus would have worked. I just wanted it to be a creative or witty name. Something to grip his attention. I couldn't decide in the moment.

The car comes to a stop in the driveway about twenty minutes later. Neither of my parents are home yet. I head up the stairs to drop off my books. I start to change into some sweats before I realize I have that stupid dinner tonight. I pause just a moment before I pull them on anyway. I'm not trying to impress anyone. Maybe it's the amped feeling I have from the first response from Lemon Boy or maybe I'm finally crossing 'Be a rebel' off my bucket list. Either way I'm doing it.

"Kovu! Here, kitty kitty. Dinner time." I call through the house as I jog downstairs to the kitchen.

I open the pantry and grab a can of _Fancy Feast._ Just as I'm pulling the tab open, Kovu sprints around the corner from the living room and pounces onto the island. I smirk knowing I should make him get down, but no one's home. I grab a plate to dump cat food onto. Kovu lurches for it before it's all on the plate. I scratch him behind his ears. He lightly growls but doesn't turn on me.

"Well, I'm headed to Jonah's. Don't burn the house down while I'm out." I laugh, heading out the back door.

Jonah only lives about a block and a half away. I head straight to basement side door. I'm greeted with Jonah and Buffy arm wrestling over the coffee table in front of a paused game of _Assassin's Creed_. I'd like to say this was an odd occurrence, but it truly isn't shocking.

"Please, tell me you guys haven't been going at this since you got here after school." I sigh taking a seat on the couch.

"Only for the last twenty or thirty minutes." Jonah huffs, straining to keep his grip on Buffy's hand.

"Ahh. Okay, cool." I grab a pillow to make use of my hands.

"How were the _Peter Pan_ callbacks?" Buffy asks not taking her eyes off of Jonah's.

"Pretty boring, actually. Oh. Andi got the part for Tiger Lily."

"Docious. She was so worried about getting the part. I knew she would. She was awesome when she ran her lines the other day." Jonah grins.

Buffy tenses, then precedes to take down a distracted Jonah.

Sometimes, it worries me—the things I notice that others don't. She's clearly interested in Jonah. I've been noticing it for a while now. She gets all cagey around him when Andi is brought up. And if they ever so slightly flirt or compliment each other, her whole face gets pinched. I thought she liked him a little back in middle school around her moving scare, but she swore up in down she could NEVER see him that way. It's not like I blame her; I had a crush on him once too.

I think puberty changed a lot of things for all of us. Like how Jonah and Andi couldn't really function together back then, but this past year I've noticed Jonah is all smitten with her again. And I don't know that Andi isn't interested. I love them, don't get me wrong. We've just all had enough of that drama in middle school. A high school version of that—plus Buffy—could ruin our unite. And I love the way we are. It's so easy to slip into our patterns. It's nice to be able to go on autopilot and forget about _stuff_ for an hour or so. I like the familiarity of it. It almost feels like an out of body experience to forget about everything but us.

An hour later, I walk through the back door into the kitchen. Mom is grabbing the last of the food to take to the dining table. She stops to look at me. "You're late. What are you wearing?"

"Sweats?" I say nervously.

"I see that. Why? And where are your textbooks? I thought you were studying at Jonah's." she asks calmly.

"I wanted to be comfortable at his house. And we were working on a project. He had all the supplies at his house."

"Okay, well, come on. Everyone is waiting." She says and walks off into the dining room.

I don't know whether to be proud or scared that I just lied without stuttering once. Walking in after her, I see why she didn't bother asking me to change. Julie Franklin is wearing her hair in a messy bun with her glasses and no makeup. I don't know what to think. She and her parents are always dressed to impress when they come here. I'm relieved. If I'm not the only one rebelling against their little set up planes, maybe they'll leave us alone.

"Hey, Julie." I say taking my seat in front of her.

"Sup, Cyrus." She nods to me.

And thus, ends our small talk. Most dinners are like this. It's not that we don't like each other; it's just like we're two polar magnets our parents have been trying to push together for almost two years. Both our parents look uncomfortable. It's actually a little hilarious. I just want to shake my parents and say "I'm gay! GAY! GAYYYYYYY! I will never date nor marry Julie Franklin.".

I do think the dinner is a success for once, though. The Franklins' excuse themselves after dessert to save us all from the awkward game of charades. I count this a win. But that doesn't mean it's the end.

I've just barely gotten into my bed with my laptop when my mom knocks and enters. She takes a seat at my desk.

"You really don't have any interest in Julie?" she asks softly.

I let out a sigh. "No, Mom, I really don't. She's nice enough, but we don't have a lot in common."

"Well, I thought you didn't want someone with a lot in common with you. After Iris, I thought opposites attract was the way to go."

"Not that opposite. The only thing we agree on is that we don't appreciate the dinner set ups you guys do. We're juniors in high school. We don't need to be set up with anyone yet."

"I hear you and I appreciate your honesty, son." Mom says in her therapist voice "I just want you to be happy."

"I am."

"Are you?" she asks, studying me quietly.

"I, uh, yeah. I'm all good." I stutter under her stare.

"You know your father and I love you no matter what, right?" her voice tinged with sadness.

"Yes, Mom. And I love you too." My heart is beating like crazy. _Does she know?_

"Okay, well, goodnight. Sweet dreams, Cyrus."

I wake up the next morning groggy from a night of over thinking about my conversation with my mom. When I remember Lemon Boy, I quickly check my email. Nothing yet though. I don't let that bother me. He messaged me once, so obviously I'm not coming across as a creep. I feel like a slight weight has been lifted off my chest. I've finally told someone I'm gay. It's scary and new. I've thought about telling Buffy and Andi before. It just never felt like the right time to bring it up. They both have enough drama on their own and I don't want to add to that. And telling Jonah will probably be the last on my 'to tell' list.

Half way through my shower routine, my phone buzzes. I feel a jolt run through me. I scramble to check my email.

FROM: lemonboy918  
TO: inveilfullofsurprises  
DATE: Aug 21 at 6:45 AM  
SUBJECT: RE: When did you know

Underdog, don't worry. It'd be pretty messed up if your proudest moment happened in middle school. Middle school was horrible for everyone. Puberty made all of us a little self-absorbed. I remember when my dad left my mom, I tried to talk to some of friends at the time. All I received was the dreaded "Okaaay."

For me, it only happened a few years ago. I was at a family thing for my step mom's side. He was one of her cousins. I don't know. I was still new, so I guess he was trying to make feel like part of the family. We were horsing around… And let's just say I hid in my dad's car till it was time to go home after that.

So, if you know you're gay, how come you've had girlfriends?

Lemon Boy

.

FROM: inaveilfullofsurprises

TO: lemonboy918

DATE: Aug 21 at 6:49 AM

SUBJECT: RE: When did you know

Lemon Boy

Hmm, awkward. I'm curious, do you still see this cousin?

The awful 'Okaaay'. Usually accompanied by the raised eyebrow and pinched mouth. I'm not going to lie—I probably said it too in middle school. We all sucked back then. I'm sorry that none of your friends were there for you about your parents. That had to have been hard. If I had been your friend at the time, I would have been there for you. I'm a very good shoulder to cry on. That is, if you were crying. It's okay, if you weren't. And it's okay, if you were. Either way I would have been there.

As for the girlfriend thing, I don't know. I just fell into the last two by accident. After my first one, I guess I just didn't want to believe that I was gay. I was hoping it was a phase. Plus, it was easy with them. Since there wasn't any feeling behind them, the break ups were painless. It was mutual. It helped that they were middle school/junior high relationships. No actual dating involved.

Have you ever had a girlfriend?

Underdog


End file.
